Tag Archives: Marriage

#149 Don’t date a friend’s ex.

21 Nov

Luckily, I haven’t had to deal with this issue and I don’t think I will because (a) my friends and I don’t have the same taste in men and (b) most of my friends are now married (and (c) the thought of dating someone one of my friends dated grosses me out a little.  No offense to my friends or their exes.). 

I recently had a discussion with someone about dating a friend’s ex.  My general advice is don’t do it.  It’s not worth it.  Unless your friend gives her approval.  And then…it’s still not worth it.  If you cherish your friendship with your girl friend, I wouldn’t risk whatever old feelings or new feelings might resurface when she sees the two of you together.  Because undoubtedly, she’s going to see you two together.  She’s going to see you holding hands, exchanging kisses, going on dates, taking trips, taking pictures specifically to post on Facebook, sending subliminal tweets to each other, changing your status to Engaged on Facebook, planning your wedding, getting married at the church that she had picked out for their wedding but since they broke up she won’t need it anymore and you just stole it and the rest of the wedding ideas that she shared with you when SHE WAS DATING YOUR MAN BUT WHO BROKE UP WITH HER AND HAD THE NERVE TO START DATING YOU!!  Oh wait…what was I saying?  Oh right.  Dating a friend’s ex.  Don’t do it lest you find yourself starring in your very own real life Lifetime Movie. 

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#50 Don’t go on a reality TV show to find love.

1 Aug

Jillian and Ed.  Jake and Vienna.  Ray J and Cocktail.  Ray J and Mz. Berry.  Flavor Flav and Hoopz.  Flavor Flav and Deelishis.  Flavor Flav and Thing 2 (I just chuckled to myself as I typed that name).  Fourteen seasons of The Bachelor and no marriages.*  Two Seasons of Ray J of Love and I don’t even think they dated after the season ended.  Three seasons of Flavor of Love and I still wonder how there was even a Season 1 of that show (I know I’m not the only one wondering why one young woman would want a then almost 50 year old recovering drug addict with 7 kids much less 65 women over 3 seasons). 

Do you really think that in a couple of months of living in a house with a bunch of other women, going on a few group dates, getting 5 minutes of his time every few days, having a couple of one-on-one dates, meeting the  family, and one overnight date that you will know the guy well enough to find a husband?  Most men are naturally competitive so they will do what it takes to win, because after all, it is a competition.  So how will you know what’s real on this reality show?  And how many times have we seen people get busted for having a boyfriend or girlfriend back home or slip up and tell someone that they aspire to be a model, actress, or singer (many of whom will sing every chance they get while the cameras are rolling)?

If you just want 15 minutes to shine, then go ahead, be on a reality dating show, get yourself a little nickname and a couple of roses and then move on with your life.  Please don’t try to stretch your 15 minutes as “Mz. Applebottom” into a career.  Three years later I don’t want to hear on the local radio station that “Mz. Applebottom” is hosting a party for the grown and sexy at a local club.  Please go back to whatever your life was before the show or perhaps use your new-found face recognition to get yourself into a legitimate career.  But whatever you do, don’t shed a tear on the reunion show when the bachelor says that he doesn’t think that the relationship will work, because (a) it was a reality show and you should have known better and (b) you should have already known it wasn’t going anywhere when the man you chose or the man who chose you never called you after filming ended. 

*After 6 seasons of The Bachelorette, there has been one marriage that 7 years later appears to still be going strong.  Congrats to Trista and Ryan for beating the odds and finding true love on a reality TV show. 

(Image courtesy of People.com)

#18 Don’t get married before you are 30.

20 Jun

Ok, ok, ok.  I know.  Who am I to tell you that you can’t get married in your teens or in your twenties?  What if you meet your soul mate when you’re 21?  Why do I think I know what’s best for everyone, especially people I don’t even know?  How can I interfere in other people’s lives when it comes to true love? 

Now, do I really believe that no one should get married before their 30th birthday?  Actually, personally, I do.*  (I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I had gotten married at 23.  By 28, I would have no doubt been looking at my 23-year-old self and wondering WHY DID SHE DO THAT?)  Do I believe that it should be made law?  Not necessarily.  This piece of advice is meant to grab your attention, so hear me out.

Statistics show that the divorce rate for women who get married in their teens is more than 3 times the divorce rate for women who wait until they are 30; for women ages 20-24, the divorce rate is more than 4 times the rate for women who are 30 and older; and, for ages 25-29, women are almost twice as likely to divorce than women who wait until they are 30 (http://www.divorcerate.org/).  (I strongly believe that no one should let statistics define them, but there is nothing wrong with knowing what they are.)  Still not convinced that you should wait?

In your early 20s, you’re likely either in college or just graduated from college.  Maybe you’re considering graduate school.  Perhaps you want to travel the world.  Or maybe, just maybe, you don’t know yet what you really want to do.  So many women feel pressure from family, friends, and society to get married and start a family.  Many feel that getting married in your 20s is what you’re supposed to do.  But why jump into a marriage when you haven’t even figured your life out yet? 

There’s a great new book out called Last One Down the Aisle Wins written by relationship expert Shannon Fox and family law attorney Celeste Liversidge that encourages twentysomething women to stop waiting to get married and to stop waiting for real life to begin.  In their book, they show women how to become “strong, capable, independent, whole” people, before jumping the broom, as well as help women avoid the top ten reasons why women marry too young.  Got “Aisle Envy”?  They cover that too (http://www.lastonedowntheaislewins.com). 

What I’m really saying is discover yourself and know who you are before making a lifetime commitment and becoming someone’s other half.  Experience life.  Try new and different things.  Have an adventure or two.  Be a little selfish  and do what you’ve always wanted to do.  Learn what you like and what you can’t stand.  Know your needs and your deal breakers.  Know what you want out of life.  If you know and have done all of these things by age 25, and I doubt anyone has at 25, fine.  Get married.  If you haven’t, don’t worry.  God willing there’s still a lot of life ahead of you, so you shouldn’t rush to walk down the aisle.  Enjoy and live your life now.

*For everyone I know who got married in their 20s, this does not apply to you.  Do not send me hate mail.  Your marriage will be fine.  Congratulations for not being a statistic.